Horrors Of The Wisconsin Bush Snake

O.K.  This is stranger than a naked midget in a clown wig teabagging the ghost of Mama Cass in the fruit & vegetable section of a grocery store.

I wish I made this up…but I did not.  Here is proof of that:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/revolting/cops-men-used-live-snake-sex-assault

Not only did the poor woman in the article get molested by some dude’s trouser snake…she also got violated by Mr. Sprinkles the Rape Snake.

Apparently the woman was at a party hosted by John Bullock and Mr. Jones.  Mr. Jones enticed the victim back to his bedroom by convincing her that she needed to look at some pictures of his children.  Unfortunately for her, there were no pictures…but she did get smacked in the head pretty hard.

When she came too after passing out she realized that Bullock was behind her and violating her girly parts in ways that are not fit to print.  Apparently Mr. Jones (God I hope this is not the guy from the Counting Crows song) thought that John’s trouser snake had already had plenty and thought that his actual pet snake needed some good tender luvin as well.  “Get the snake” he says to his partner.  You can guess the rest of the story.

The person I feel most sorry for is the snake, whom I am calling Mr. Sprinkles, in memory of a snake that I used to know.  Unless Mr. Jones kept Mr. Sprinkles in a humidor that smelled of rancid socks and stale salmon, I could imagine that this experience was one of horror for the reptile.  Snakes smell with their tongue too…uggh…it was probably like licking the inside of a four month old fish stick that had been left on the dash of somebody’s Chrysler.

Can you blame him for biting the interiors of this woman’s pelvis?

Things could have been so much worse though…what if Mr. Sprinkles had shed his skin inside of the victim…weird.  Or even worse…what if the snake had been a cobra.  Hmm…maybe a spitting cobra would have been more appropriate…hahaha.

Well I hope that John Bullock and Mr. Jones get what they deserve for this horrid little stunt.  And the victim, I hope she can go about her life without either becoming inconsolably frightened when she sees a snake or moist like a bowl of sour milk had just been dumped in her crotch.

As for Mr. Sprinkles… I hope they find him a better home where he can put the past behind him.

Wisconsin…home to not only cheese…but rape snakes as well.

Mr. Sprinkles--Vulva Violator

~ by millsap on January 4, 2011.