The Horrendous Dangers Of Texting (And Sex Too…)

Texting can be bad for you.  Like really, really fucking bad for you.  And I mean in ways besides wrecking your car into an elementary school student while texting your girlfriend or getting busted by said girlfriend when she intercepts a text to you from her sister saying that she has missed two periods and wants to know what you are going to do about it.  Uh-oh.

Remember when they tried to tell you that talking on the cell phone might cause cancer to grow in your brain?  So everybody started texting instead because brain cancer fucking sucks.  Well now, instead of cancer you get to lose the use of both of your hands…fucking awesome.

Read about it here:  http://www.news.com.au/technology/girl-faces-surgery-over-text-messaging/story-e6frfro0-1225843569037

This poor sixteen year old girl.  This is the time of her life where she should be getting pimples, shopping at malls, breaking into grandpa’s gin bottle to get fucked up,  shoplifting, and exploring the adventures of doggystyle in the backseat of some dudes car in the forest.  But I don’t see any handjobs in the future for her boyfriends.  Why is this?  It is because she has no feeling in her hands, has to wear braces on her wrist, and cannot even pick shit up.  How did this happen?  By sending over 100 text messages a day…holy fucking balls of Luby the Moolie Cow.

This is carpal tunnel syndrome at its worst.  This is usually reserved for people that type a fuckload and bass players who use improper right hand technique (I know, I had to change my technique to avoid this very problem many years ago).  This poor young lady also has to have cortisone shots to try and relieve pain and will eventually have to have surgery as well.  That is so fucking lame.  I bet she wishes she just went ahead and called the dumbasses she was texting and got the brain cancer instead.

It is not just related to texting, typing and bass playing either.

When most of us are not texting, typing, or jamming we are spending our time fucking.  O.K…O.K…. maybe we work a little too.  According to this study you can get carpal tunnel from banging your old lady.  That is fucking bullshit because if she is the nagging type then you probably have the equivalent to brain cancer too.  And when you are not at home, she is texting and calling so you are getting more brain cancer and your hands are degrading further into the clutches of carpel tunnel.  Then she quits putting out because you can’t afford the doctor bills and the terrifying reality sinks into your cancer infested brain that you cannot even spank it any more because your hands no longer work.  You have to jump off of a tall building to end it all because you cannot hold or pull the trigger on a gun.

Sweet Jesus.

Think that sounds like bullshit.  Think again buddy:  http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/news/wacky/rsi-blamed-on-too-much-sex/story-e6frev20-1225822603887

The only thing you can do to save yourself is chunk your cell phone and start nailing your girl doggystyle.  When she wonders what the fuck is going on remind her that it is healthy and buy her a bottle of water.  Women like health conscious men so you should be good to go.

~ by millsap on May 19, 2010.