Pet Your Balls With Lead
Nothing says relief like rubbing your nuts with….a bullet?! Uhhhh…. not sure about this one folks.
Here is the story: http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/23495132/detail.html
I can totally see how this could happen to anyone.
There you are at the grocery store buying some Captain Crunch. As you stand behind some fat bitch, who is incidentally buying 14 cases of hostess snack cakes despite the fact that she could live off her current fat levels for twelve years, you notice a tabloid article about space aliens raping chipmunks and producing offspring that have grown up and can now be found in the House of Representatives. This makes you laugh due to the probability of its accuracy. You pay for the damn cereal and then walk into the parking lot.
As you cross the asphalt you notice that your balls have developed an unbearable itch. Doing a safety sweep, you ascertain that no one is looking so you thrust your hand into your pocket to try and stop the madness.
Unfortunately for you… instead of grasping your family jewels, you grasp the trigger housing on your Glock and fire a round off into your penis. Crying out in a retarded mixture of surprise, fear, pain, and annoyed frustration you collapse to the ground.
Hearing the shot, people come running from out of the grocery store to help you. Since you don’t ever want to have to come clean about blasting your own meat you make up a story about fighting off a mugger.
Of course, the police can’t understand why, if you were attacked from behind, you chose shooting yourself in the crotch to be the best way to foil the robbery. They charge you with a couple of offenses like “prohibited use of a firearm” and “reckless endangerment.” They wonder if you have been drinking. Of course you have been fucking drinking. DUH.
Prohibited use of a firearm? Is blasting your dipstick out the bottom of your pants really covered by this law? Can’t the fact that this jackass can now shove a pencil through the shaft of his penis sideways be punishment enough? The prosecutors are recommending probation, but in truth they should just let this guy go… I mean the odds of his Darwining himself right out of existence are pretty damn good.
And of course it is now doubtful that he will be creating any stupid offspring.
This pleases me, because without a doubt, any children from this genius would have made it down to the go-kart track to plague me with an amazing display of their cognitive abilities (of which there are probably none).
So boys and girls (well…mostly boys), don’t shoot yourself in the cock and then lie about it. The MAN will catch you, and you will be treated like the criminal scum you are.
Just ask David Leroy Blurton.
Frothtonomy 