No More Baby In The Baby Cakes

Do you, dear readers, remember my wonderful recipe post a while back called:  Rotisserie Baby?

Well you had better hurry up and make it if you want to try it, particularly if you happen to live in Oklahoma.  Why?  This is why:  http://news.yahoo.com/okla-senator-wants-ban-human-fetuses-food-235857183.html

Senator Ralph Shortey is purposing a ban that would eliminate the use of human fetuses in food.  This would be a very noble thing, I guess, if there was actually a case of someone using a fetus in their products (since you make my dish at home and supply your own youngin, Rotisserie Baby would probably not be affected by this bill…whew).

This is extra fucking diculous.  It is not ridiculous because it is not even coherent enough of a thought to get diculated twice.  Why not propose new legislation to keep tri-testicled unicorns from eating out of public park garbage receptacles.  We could even raise taxes to make and implement unicorn-proof lids to keep the bastards out of our trash.  We don’t need them in there, we have homeless people for that.  Never mind that unicorns can’t be proven to even exist.  They can’t be proven to not exist either and thus we need these new laws and provisions.

This jack ass KNOWS…I mean he FUCKING KNOWS IN HIS SOUL that people are not using ground fetus in burritos at Taco Land.  Why is he doing this?  Does he need attention?  Maybe he is on the verge of getting caught in some kind of scandal or something and trying to distract his district?  Is he really this fucking stupid?  Just watch…in a few years he will be on the presidential ticket….fuck.

Why are we spending time and resources planing and creating laws for shit that will probably never happen when we have so much fucking bullshit that HAS HAPPENED and is AFFECTING US RIGHT NOW.  Why spend resources making a plan for a meteor slamming into Wal-Mart, when we have a financial crisis that has already slammed into millions of us already.

Get Shortey…out of office.

The Beshear Ark Of Failure

Here are some more examples of why America is so fucked up on a political level.  It is more fuel to the fire that burns within many of us to send all of these elected assholes packing and insert some fresh blood into the corruption machine.

Kentucky Gov. Steve Beshear proposes to help work over the state’s budget by cutting funding to the public school system by more than 50 million bucks.  In the same budget he provides tax breaks to the fucking Noah’s Ark theme park to the tune of 43 million. Can you see a problem here?

No joke folks, read about it here:  http://thinkprogress.org/economy/2012/01/20/407580/kentucky-gov-cuts-education-funding-while-preserving-tax-breaks-for-biblically-themed-amusement-park/?mobile=nc

In essence he wants to take away the states ability to teach children proven facts and real world skills in favor of tax breaks to a religious group’s theme park, which in many ways is anti-science (no evolution obviously).  This kind of shit gives us adults that go out into the real world to work and do shit like this:

No..this is not photoshop

The painter of this picture probably could tell you a whole fuck load about Baby Jesus, but that is not going to help the city present a look that it is populated by people that are not inbred morons.

What the fuck happened to separation of church and state?

What if I wanted to have a theme park dedicated to the wonders of Satan?  If “DemonWorld” could be enough of a tourist attraction to make the state a few bucks, could I jack some cash from the fine arts divisions of the all the high schools?  Who gives a shit about some little girl learning to play the clarinet when folks can see wax exhibits of satanic high priests drinking consecrated lemonade out of the vulva of some large chested, nude stripper-alter slut.

I have heard girls play the clarinet and I can tell you for a mother-fucking-fact that DemonWorld would kick way more ass.

It is insulting really.  Some of you that still have strong religious values might think I’m being a dick here…but think about it.  What if they were taking cash from schools to give breaks to TerroristLand: The Islamo-Facist Themepark.  Sure, that does not totally represent all of Islam, but neither does the Anti-Evolution stance represent all of Christianity, just the supremely undereducated.  Regardless, you would be pissed that Little Jack and Jill don’t have enough pencils in their classrooms because the money was spent to promote a religion that you do not believe in.

In fact, this move is so retarded it makes me think that Mr. Beshear probably suffered some really poor education as a result of someone else’s misuse of public funds.  That is the only reason I can think of why the man would be this retarded.

Of course, somebody elected this asshole too.  The awful education system is just feeding on itself, taking a crap and then eating it to replenish itself.  This budget proposal is like the fourth generation of a shit sandwich which is being force-fed to the little children with no regard with what will happen.

I think I will open “DemonWorld.”  The planet could always use fewer clarinet players.

Another Kick To The Overies Of Lady Liberty

That piece of patriotism that most of us have inside…the one that makes us proud to be an American. The one that is thankful for our freedoms… well, that part in me just started weeping blood.

http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/12/with-reservations-obama-signs-act-to-allow-detention-of-citizens/#.TwGiuDql2Aw.facebook

I really did not think he would do this.

Of course nothing surprises me anymore.

Obama has signed the NDAA act into law INCLUDING the portions that allow American-FUCKING-Citizens to be detained FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-FUCKINGEVER with NO CHARGES. Holy fuck. Right here at home…wow.

You may be asking yourself, boys and girls, how you can experience this amazing new provision. Just do ANYTHING that could deem yourself an enemy of the United States.

“But, I’m not a terrorist” you say “so no sweat off my balls.” You are not now…but that is just a matter of point of view. What if you say that the President sucks a fat sack of dicks for doing this? Or write that in a blog? If they want too, they could say that you were trying to stir up an insurgency against the US and detain you forever. With no lawyer. Fuck.

This is another step toward the end of democracy. If this is not repealed, I suspect that all non-supportive government speech and print will be squelched out of fear. This is not a far cry from tyranny.

The scary part is…this bullshit is not theory. It is now law.

Better watch your step boys and girls…there’s a storm coming.

2011–The Froth Master Review

It is the last day of the year…wow… that sure went quick.

This has been a really big year for me, with many life changes involved.  I am glad to report that it was one of the best years I have had in a long time, I don’t think I encountered even one of those “Damn, I’d rather be scratching my dick with a running, rusty chainsaw right now than dealing with _____ (insert current bullshit situation here).”

In the last 12 months I got married, sold a farm, started a new career, replaced every single one of my teeth with implants, got much more comfortable playing the NS/STICK, finished my main tracks for the SMC album, enjoyed the release of the Eumeria record that I played two tracks on, upgraded to a smart phone from the old crappy one, got to enjoy phone calls from my daughter now that she has a cell phone of her own (gonna be a teenager in 2012…sigh), adopted a bat named Squambly for Don LaFon, went on the first family vacation since I was a child, got Austin hooked up with a good gig, learned how to make the perfect rum and coke, made a few new friends and had some great times with the old ones…..whew….what a run that was.

All in all a good year…and though I did not make it past the first three months on my resolution to drink a glass of water every day and I failed to update my blog every week….I still did not break a bone or go to jail.  Hooray.

Hope this next year goes just as well for me and for all of you readers out there as well.  Remember, today might be the last one you get…why not go out and make it kick ass just in case.

 

Growing The Myth

It is very interesting to see something that you have created over many years grow in ways that are outside of you as the creator.

The entire pumpkin mythology has slowly grown into a strange legacy with its own characters and inner workings over the last 15 years or so.  Granted, most people have yet to really get a good taste of this, but those that know me personally have.

So what happens when the myth gets bigger than the creator?  Other people take the concepts and run with them…not always with great results, but sometimes with truly spectacular additions to the cannon.

It is the latter that I present to you now.  Our good friend over at Dambreaker (good blog, check it out if you have yet to do so) has taken the pumpkin god Willis and the greater demon overlord Froktar, mixed them up with the band Six Minute Century and created a very interesting version of the Night Before Christmas.

Here is his poem, enjoy:

Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the stage

Every creature was stirring, in a psychopathic rage.

The pumpkins were hung by the fillers with care,

In hopes that St. Willis soon would be there.

The children were shaking in fear as they looked under their beds,

While visions of Froktar tortured their heads.

 And ma in her fatigue laying flat on her back,

Cuz I just screwed her brains out backstage for a quckie night cap.

When out on the back room there was such a crash,

Just before I slammed my joystick in to the old woman’s ass.

Away to the stage I flew like The Flash,

Pulled up on my zipper before her blunt turned to ash.

The moon on the breast of the groupie dressed like whore

Gave the lustre of my body objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a pumpkin ablaze and the beginning of fear.

With a fetus as the driver, who wiggled amongst us,

I knew in a moment it must be St. Willis

More splendid than demons that punish to shame,

And he cursed, and shouted, and called them by name!

 ”Now Frenchman! now, Darren! now, Chucky and Dr. Froth!

On, Squamby! On, Froktar! on Centurions and the rest of you rot!

 To the top of the people! to everyone licking my balls!

Now lick away, Lick away, Lick away all!”

 He was dressed all in the flesh of his victims, from head to his foot,

 And his clothes covered with leather and studs to boot.

A bundle of goodies he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pimp, when he whipped out his sack.

His eyes- how they twinkled! how he begin to feel Mary!

 His growl was a fright as he busted her cherry!

 The bloody drool from his mouth nobody could’ve known,

When he blasted his wad on her chin as white as the snow.

 The stumpy devoured body that he held tight in his teeth,

 And the lost soul it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a content face from the offering he did eat,

The pumpkin god snarled as he showed off his teeth

 He spoke not a word, but went back to work,

And continued on as I felt that I had given myself quite a jerk.

And watched him finish like poetry and prose ,

And suddenly his forefinger and pinky into the air arose!

 He sprang up in the night air with his trophies of souls,

 And away they all flew in a fury, screaming out of control.

 But I heard him exclaim, as he vanished from sight,

 ”Frothy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!”

–Joel Haskell, 2011

Haha…that is awesome.  I hope you all enjoyed that as much as I did.  Now go read his blog…

Jingle This

If you know me you might have heard of a little thing called “The Christmas Album.”

Just in time for the holidays…here is an tale from my upcoming book “Tales From the Pumpkin Patch”  where I give all of you the amazing details on how all of that went down.  Enjoy.

Die Turkey Die

And another holiday is upon us boys and girls.

Thanksgiving…a time and holiday where we all take some time to reflect on all the reasons we should be thankful.  This transcends religion, politics, and temperament.  Weather you pledge yourself to Baby Jesus, Allah, or Lord Froktar and his Pumpkin Prophet Willis, we all can find something to be glad about today.

Think your life sucks or something?  Just be thankful that it is not worse.  It CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE.  Many times the absence of C-4 inside of our testicles is something we can get really pleased about when everything else is lame.

As for me?  Things are really great and I have many things to be thankful about.  My family, the seven or eight of you that read this blog, the fact that the new album for SMC will probably really, for reals, no bullshit, i’m serious this time…be ready to go to mixing by the end of the year,  I am employed…damn…wow…plenty to be thankful for.

I hope all of you have a great day today.  A day absent of rape, bullshit, horrid death and dismemberment, and scurvy.  Oh…and demonic possession.  Nobody wants that on Thanksgiving so I hope you don’t get any of that crap either.

Introducing Dr. and Mrs. Froth

Our Wedding 11-11-11

Yes, the wedding has come and gone.  It was a very moist experience and we are both very thankful to all of our friends and family that were able to come and share this time with us.  Some of them travelled a very long way to do so.  Our reception at BFE where I played two of the three shows (in the damn tux) was a great time as well.  A big thanks also to my friends and band mates in Six Minute Century and Iron Mayhem for doing that performance.  I would also like to thank Angel and his boys in Owl Witch for lending their talents to our special evening also.

Our Cabin at Bottlehouse Cabins, NM

Now we are over 750 miles away up in the mountains of New Mexico in a nice private cabin that we rented for the week.  It is very pretty up here, and there is only a bit of snow on the top of the ski mt and none anywhere else…yet.  We have to drive up this super steep-ass slope to get to the cabin, and I’m very thankful that we have an SUV instead of Volkswagen or something.

Inside the cabin

I have brought the NS/STICK and the recording set-up so that I can, Froktar willing, finish the rest of the bass lines for the SMC album while I am here.  First up, a change of strings and then down to business.  Amazingly, Lori was all for me bringing the instrument up here and recording in the cabin, but try to bring Skyrim up here with the PS3…well, lets just say it will be waiting on me when I get home.

As big of an Elder Scrolls fan that I am, people will be surprised to learn that I have decided that I will not open the shrink-wrap on my game and play it (picked up my pre-order on the way to my wedding…lol) until my parts on the record are turned in.  This would make Don LaFon pleased, but since he never reads my blogs he will never know of my great sacrifice.

We are having a relaxing week and will see all of you when the Froth Family returns.

ArchDuke Powder Keg

What started World War One?

One bullet.

It was the assassination of Archduke Ferdinand in 1914.  You would think that the murder of one man seems almost like a small thing to start such a huge scale war (the 6th deadliest of all time, killing over 9 million combatants).  But it was so much more than the assassination of a single man.  It was the spark that set off a gigantic pile of flammable bullshit that the world had been creating over multiple years.

A container as small as human capacity for tolerance can only hold so much hopelessness, desperation, and fear before it begins to burst at the seams.  Unfortunately, when this bursting takes place it violently consumes everything in its path…including those from whence it came.

This is what makes the Occupy Wall Street movement so interesting to me.  Most people miss the entire point of what is happening in the U.S. right now.  We are so busy wondering about what the movement is about, and whether or not these people are right or wrong, that we are missing the entire REAL implication here.  The real danger  has nothing to do with Wall Street or economic inbalance…but in the fact that there IS a movement.

Think about it.  We have thousands of people that are willing to take part in this protest.  Why?  It does not matter.  The fact is that a universal feeling of desperation and fear over our current situation is being manifested in people adopting a “Fuck it, what do I have to lose” attitude.  I do not think it is going away either.  It has spread all across our country.

The actions of many of the occupied cities’ police forces have not been helping the situation.  It has only further created an Us vs Them vibe that is causing those that are already feeling oppressed to dig in their heels deeper.  What the authorities have failed to realise is that the people that are engaging in this behavior already feel that their back is against the wall, pushing them only reinforces their reason to be there.

All it does is pour some more gasoline onto a gigantic pile that is growing by the second all across our nation.

Perhaps people have realized that we gave our democracy away a long time ago in the name of political correctness and laziness.  Only now, in an age where states are passing laws making it a felony to record police abusing their power on cell phone cameras, allowing police to issue citations with NO EVIDENCE, regulating what you can put into your own body, deciding where you can and can not smoke (even in your own apartment now in some places), allowing courts and litigation to weaken the ability of everyone from teachers to contractors to do their jobs without fear of massive life-altering suits, allowing police to sieze your property for no reason without any evidence and at any time (civil forfeiture), do everything possible to limit freedom of speech, and on and on and on.   We wont even get into the mass internet and news censorship of this movement that occurred within the first three weeks of its inception.  And you thought that shit only went down in China.

Re-read that above paragraph.

Now read the definition of Police State:

The term police state describes a state in which the government exercises rigid and repressive controls over the social, economic and political life of the population. A police state typically exhibits elements of totalitarianism and social control, and there is usually little or no distinction between the law and the exercise of political power by the executive.

The inhabitants of a police state experience restrictions on their mobility, and on their freedom to express or communicate political or other views, which are subject to police monitoring or enforcement. Political control may be exerted by means of a secret police force which operates outside the boundaries normally imposed by a constitutional state.

Hmmm….those two paragraphs seem to be very similar don’t they boys and girls.  Looks like we DID lose our democracy a while back.

So what happens now?  Who the fuck knows…it depends on several factors.

The one thing that this movement is missing is its Dr. King, or its George Washington.  As of yet, there is not a strong charismatic leader for everyone to rally behind.  I don’t know which is scarier.  The absence of this leader shows that many of us are so fed up by what is being done to us that we don’t give a fuck what we are doing, we are just going to do SOMETHING about it.  Even if that means standing in a park for no real defined reason.  If there was a leader…we would probably already have an insurgency on our hands.

What happens when somebody lights this pile of shit on fire?

What happens when the police go too far and kill someone, or one of the protesters kills an officer.  Remember what happened in LA over the Rodney King fiasco?  Imagine that in several cities.  Think it won’t happen…maybe not…but it might.

If it happens tomorrow, the police or national guard will put it down and things will continue to fester for a few more years or decades.  Make no mistake though, at some point enough people will realize that they are oppressed and do something about it.  If it continues to build and the resistance gets much larger…then that single bullet might set off a much bigger conflict.  Not a World War, but maybe another Civil or Revolutionary War.

Remember…it does not matter what the people are protesting about (which is what most people are debating right now)…it is the fact that they are taking it to this level that is the indicator of really big fucking problems possibly looming on the horizon.  Hopefully this will be worked out peacefully, but our entire history of humanity has proven that changes cost blood and lives.

Maybe we are advanced enough to do it another way…

I am no longer a religious man…but God, Buddha, Allah, etc,  help this country.

We have thousands of protestors pushing against and being pushed by multiple municipal police forces.

It will only take one bullet.

Occupy YourMom: The Frothy Movement

Here is a protest we can all get behind.  At least the 99% of us that have fucked your Mom.

I’m not sure if this means 99% of the people on the block, the city, the state, the country, the world, or the universe.  I guess with numbers that large, it does not really matter anyway.

Heck, more of us would be protesting on Wall Street if we could squeeze in the time between work, sleep, and giving your Mom rides on the bologna pony.

So, if you have fucked your Mom, or someone’s Mom, or a woman that later became a Mom…feel free to join this movement.  We don’t have any clear goals…but neither does the other movement.  And hell, with this one you get laid.

I am Dr. Froth…I am part of the 99%.

Occupy YourMom 2011